Posted in Finding Myself at Fifty

Simple & Sweet My Foot!

August 2018.

Everything about this moment in time is meaningful, deep and symbolic.

I recently had the privilege of being included in the USA Today Magazine Best Years edition.  The task was sweet and simple, “If I could write my younger self, what would I say?”

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I am 50 years old, and still finding myself. In many ways I have changed from my younger self.  I would like to think in some ways I am wiser.  But I also feel exactly as I did in my 40’s, 30’s and 20’s (Dear God, am I really reflecting over DECADES of time that has passed?!).  The core of who I am remains the same. Our spirit might dim, might shine brighter – but essentially the core of who we are always remains the same.

When I stop to think “What would I tell my younger self?”, that one simple & sweet question was everything but.

Every time traveling note I attempted, was full of advice I felt like I was  presently avoiding, Ok, running from. I had created a life for myself that consisted of moments of joy and happiness, on the foundation of fear and manipulation. A combination I welcomed and prayed for once upon a time.  Any woman who yearned for who she felt was her Soulmate will understand this.

I felt like I was lying to my past self; in denial to my present self; and betraying my future self.  Simple and sweet question my foot!  This was life changing.  One day I will share the details of  the impact this one question’s ripple affect had. It’s all a bit to raw to do so now. Healing is in it’s infancy stages, Wait, I’m being prideful…. healing is in it’s embryo stage.  What I can say is that I have forced myself to listen to the advice I would share to the younger me. I forced myself to face the reality of my present circumstances.  And made the extremely hard and difficult decision to be my own advocate for my peace and well being.

Which sucks.  It’s painful.  It’s difficult,  scary and consists of  weeping everyday at one point or another.  Including at work in front of my manager during a meeting. SO embarrassing!  Poor guy, he looked so concerned and confused as I sobbed in front of him. I can NOW see his  “What did I do?” expression somewhat comical. As he did nothing wrong at all. He simply mentioned the name of the man I had been in a relationship with for twenty-five years and living with for the past six years.  My manager had no way of knowing that days before this meeting took place, I left the Man I once wanted to be with forever.  He had no way of knowing our time was up.

Tears aside, what I’m telling you that it’s gut wrenching to walk away from a life that was to be “forever and ever”.

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This entry is reflected as the first on my blog. I have been writing for years.  Some of my work has appeared in magazines both nationally and regionally. This blog at one point had years worth of content on it.  YEARS!  I have wiped the slate clean.  I deleted all the posts.

This blog is in complete synergy with my life.  Leaving the past, the dysfunction behind, and starting over from scratch.

What would I tell my younger self?  The exact same thing I tell myself today – “You are enough.  You are stronger than you know.  Your self worth is defined by you and ONLY YOU.”  

Maybe deep down,  I knew this 25 years ago. What I do know, is that this time I am listening. This time I’m trusting the Universe … and trusting myself.

Author:

I am a writer. I am a Mother. I am a Flower Child...I am a Mental Health Advocate.....I am all these things...not necessarily in that order...

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